Doctor’s Sound Advice

Q: Doctor,  I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise   can prolong
life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that’s it…
don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like
saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.
Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more   fruits and  vegetables ?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is
nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to
your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good
source  of field grass  (green   leafy vegetable ).   And a   pork
chop   can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable  products.
Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled
wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you
get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of
grain.  Bottoms   up!
Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one  to
one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.
Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise  program?
A: Can’t  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain…Good!
Q:  Aren’t  fried  foods bad for you?
A:  YOU’RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! …..  Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil .  In fact,  they’re permeated in it.  How could
getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?
Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around
the   middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s
the best feel-good   food around!
Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure, explain whales to  me.
Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ is  a shape!
Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about  food   and diets.
AND…..
For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final  word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the  truth after all those
conflicting nutritional  studies..
1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.
2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.
3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans..
4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.
5.   The Germans   drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and
fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you.
AND  REMEMBER:
‘Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather
to skid in sideways -   Chardonnay   in one  hand – chocolate in  the
other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO
HOO, What a  Ride’

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