Life is a Cabaret: The Bachelorette Recap

Yes, I confess. I watch.

Beware of Spoilers:
This week Ali took all the boys to New York City. Her first one-on-one date was with Kasey, the guy with the voice that sounds like a scary troll is speaking from inside him. I can’t understand half of what he said. He kept telling Ali that he wanted to “Protect and guard her heart.” They ran around the Natural History Museum, looking at dinosaur bones and chasing each other around with flashlights. Then Kasey broke into impromptu song which obviously made Ali uncomfortable. With that voice. Singing. Oh, yeah. After all was said and done, Ali told Kasey that she didn’t feel that he was sincere and didn’t give him a rose, but also said she didn’t want him to leave. I’m not sure how that works. Does some other guy get bounced? Dunno.

Then the group date which consisted of Frank, Jesse, Roberto, Kirk, Ty, and Jonathan. On to Times Square and suddenly the boys are rehearsing for the Broadway musical “The Lion King.” They all danced and sang, although the only one who could actually carry a tune was Jesse, to my shock. Roberto, although, he couldn’t sing well, captured Ali’s attention because he sang “to her” as opposed to the director. His performance awarded him a one-on-one date with Ali suspended by a rope over the stage dressed in a flowery diaper. He must really like the girl. What is it with Ali and putting Roberto up in ropes?

Ali had the creeping crud and was swapping spit with half the guys so I wonder if any of them will be well next week. Kirk pulled her aside from the cocktail party and told her she should get some rest and he would “help her go to sleep.” With that, he managed to steal her away for himself up to her room. Gets a little kissy face. Smooth.

She was too sick to take Chris L. on his one-on-one date so he invited him to spend the evening in her suite. It was his birthday so it was even more special for him. He opened up about his mom and the biggest tear-jerking moment of the show was when Chris talked about his mom’s illness and death. His mother had told Chris to “look for me in rainbows.” At the funeral, Chris said, there was a huge rainbow and he “hasn’t seen so many freaking rainbows in his life” since she died. *sniff* Of course, Chris gets a rose. Right now, he’s my running favorite.

Meanwhile, Jonathan is kicking himself for not singing directly to Ali at the Lion King rehearsal. Dumb. Dumb. As if that would make a difference. Jonathan is so socially awkward. And he has creepy hands. I always look at hands. Hate his hands.

Kasey is now obsessed with Ali not believing he’s sincere. He goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo on the inside of his wrist of a heart with a shield around it. Oh, and a rose coming out of it. cuckoo cuckoo. Then he goes back to the house and tells the guys he got a burn on his wrist from the stove. Justin is skeptical and tells everyone that Kasey is a liar. Huh? Hello, Kettle? This is the Pot. Finally, Justin confronts Kasey and tells him to show everyone the burn wound. Kasey refuses. “Well, if you’re lying to us now, you’ll be lying to Ali in the future.” Kasey says nothing, but just stares at Justin. “Is there a reason you’re still staring at me like that?” Justin asks him. Then Kasey decides to show the other guys the tattoo and explain his reasoning: to protect and guard Ali’s heart. Again. Ok, we get it. What does that MEAN anyway? The dumbfounded looks on everyone’s face means nothing to Kasey as he actually believes the rest of the guys were impressed and “inspired” by him. Uh, no. As Chris L. said, “A tattoo means nothing. It only proves you’re crazy. Now you’re just going to be the tattooed bachelorette guy who lost.”

Jonathan finally makes a desperate move to show Ali who he really is: a singer/songwriter. He sits next to her with a guitar and….no…no…no…he sings! Recall, he could not sing at the Lion King rehearsal. It was painful to watch and listen to. The guys in the next room were wondering who was strangling a Siamese cat.

Just as Kasey is about to unveil his tattoo to Ali, Frank comes in and swoops her away. Ali felt that Kasey was finally being “cute” and “sweet” without being “over the top.” Ha, little does she know. Tattooing your wrist is pretty over the top. And it’s a crappy tattoo to boot.

Chris N. actually speaks. He said about five words. Thank the producers for demonstrating the guy actually has a pulse. We wondered how he keeps getting a rose.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Everyone wants crazy Kasey to go home, but Ali has no idea what a psycho he is because she doesn’t know about the tattoo.

Roses are passed out and Jesse and Jonathan are left out. Apparently, Ali had enough horrible serenading and weather analogies. Jesse figures Ali is “just a city girl” and he wants land and cows. Oh well, he can’t wait to get back to his dogs.

One comment

  1. Thanks Tami,
    Nathan is camping out in the backyard with a friend and with all the “preparations” I missed most of the show. I feel completely informed now 🙂

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